Motherhood

Dearest Rowan and Sutton,

I have lived most of my life enslaved by the disease of perfectionism-I just thought you should know. I am my own worst enemy.  I NEED to be perfect.  The expectations I have for myself or others around me cannot be met by any human.  When I fail to perform at a level of perfection, I am too hard on myself.  Instead of looking at the good, I always think about what I could have done better; and by doing so, manage to kill the joy of really great moments.   

Looking back I can see many situations God placed in my path to try to break me.  Not to harm me, just to break down my pride, for my own good.  To break down the idea that I was self-sufficient or that I could do any good thing on my own.  It only took 29 years.  Don’t ever let your dad tell you that I’m stubborn-because I’m not…I’m just determined! ;)

After trying for several years to get pregnant, unsuccessfully, I finally broke.  I finally realized I could not just try a little harder and make a baby.  I finally GOT it!!  I acknowledged that I was not God.  Of course I knew I wasn’t God but I had made myself the god of my own little world and tightly controlled everything around me because I really thought I could do it better.  I had adopted the false mentality of our society that “God helps those who help themselves” or the mantra of my generation that “I deserve to be happy” or the perspective of most young adults who are raised in church that “if you follow all the rules and you are a really good person, God will give you the desires of your heart.”  The common denominator in all of these ideals is ME.  I had to come to grips with the fact that my life is not my own and the world does not, in fact, revolve around me.  That’s a painful, uncomfortable and raw place to be.  But soon after I got there, God allowed me to become pregnant.  And then pregnant again soon after delivering to really show off and remind me that I am not in control, just in case I forgot!

This letter is to say “Thank you” but I don’t know that those words will ever be adequate.  Thank you for continuing the work of breaking me down.  I have never felt so raw- so broken.  It’s like my heart is open and bleeding for all to see, revealing any illusion that I can hold anything together on my own.  Thanks to you, everyone can see that my perfectionism was always a façade.  Just when I think I have it all figured out- literally minutes after I say “I’ve got this” the chaos of toddlerdom sends me back to start.  The house is a mess. Permanently.   Sometimes you trip over toys that I have let sit out for too long.  Your flannel jammies get covered in dog hair that I have neglected to vacuum.  Often you eat too much sugar.  And I’m pretty sure I meant to feed you gourmet, organic meals instead of a steady rotation of hot dogs and PB&J for lunch.  Don’t worry though- the hot dogs are nitrate free at least.  My grocery bills have doubled since I don’t have time to be frugal anymore.  Our weekly shopping trips consist of me running through the store like a race horse, throwing anything and everything into the cart while opening boxes of snacks to keep you happy.  Letting you watch Dinosaur Train has been my only method to getting a warmish dinner on the table.  I never go to the bathroom by myself.  Never.   I never think about what I want to do anymore.  Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror reveals a person I don’t recognize- with more lines around the eyes and a stomach covered in stretch marks, from back to back pregnancies, which explain why I have a closet full of clothes I most likely will never wear again. 

Yes, you have changed everything about my life, you have successfully turned it upside down…and I am forever grateful.  I actually don’t like who I was before the two of you.  I was too focused on myself to really love others.  I cared too much about what others thought of me and I was vain.  Thanks to you, I have never been so joyful, so content, so complete.  The messes help me to remember that I am fortunate enough to have children at home that I get to clean up after and a husband who works hard so I can spend every waking moment with you.  Thanks to you, I neglect a lot of housework because I would rather go to the park or have a dance party and listen to the two of you shriek and laugh instead of clean.  I never have to turn on the TV for background noise just to tolerate the silence.  I have learned to embrace the mess! But old perfectionist habits die hard, and I often ask your forgiveness when I am short with you because you want me to pick you up instead of cleaning the entire cup of milk you just dumped out.  For fun.  I’m pretty sure in 20 years my house will be spotless but I will be mourning this time that I can NEVER get back.  Plus the dog hair and dirt are building your immune system, anyway! And reading the same book for the 10^th time in 1 hour is a great excuse to give you PB&J again instead of cooking.  Long, hot showers are overrated.  And I try not to beat myself up about the stretch marks because so many women never get the opportunity to carry a child.  Those lines around my eyes just mean I laugh more- way more.  I actually don’t remember laughing much before you guys, which means that your dad MIGHT have been right about me being high strung.

Motherhood is the hardest job in the world, and the best job, by far, I have ever had.  Every night I go to sleep humbled and broken- knowing full well that I did nothing to deserve you and thanking God for this lesson of grace that I get to live daily. 

The Best Christmas Gift

You got a baby brother for Christmas this year. Not sure if that is what you really wanted, but that’s what you got!  Sutton was born on December 4^th, the day before you turned 16 months.  Papa TT came to stay with you while we were in the hospital.  He picked you up at Grandpa Al and Grand Rita’s, your dad and I had dropped you off over there earlier in the day so we could go to the hospital.  At about 8:00 that night I got really sad because I hadn’t seen you all day and it was the longest I had ever been away from you, so I called Papa TT and told him that I wanted him to bring you to the hospital so I could see you.  When you came into the hospital room and saw me, you had the biggest smile on your face!  It melted my heart.  I will forever remember that moment and your smile.  Daddy picked you up and put you on the bed with me and you just laid your head on my chest and cuddled with me, which you NEVER do!  I loved every minute of it.  You didn’t get to stay long because it was way past your bedtime.  Sutton was born at 12:44 AM.  I called your papa to tell him he had another healthy grandson and he asked what time Sutton was born.  When I told him he was born at 12:44, he told me that you had woken up, sat up in your crib and cried at that exact time.  I guess we are connected and you could feel my pain, or you knew that you were no longer the baby and that made you sad! J  Every time you came to the hospital to visit, you knew you were coming to see me and I could hear you saying “MA-ma” all the way down the hall.  Hearing you say my name will never get old!

You were not happy about having a brother at first.  You didn’t want to hold him or touch him or even look at him and you didn’t want me to either.   You got spoiled by your Papa TT, Nana, Mimi and Aunt Ashlie while your dad and I were in the hospital.  One day you even came to my room carrying big chocolate chip cookies in each hand!!  When we got home from the hospital we gave you a Pottery Barn chair with your name on it so you could sit in it and read your books.  You had been trying to sit in the baby’s swings and car seat so we didn’t want you to think the baby was taking all of your things. 

The day we came home from the hospital your dad went to work for a couple of hours.  At one point, I said, “Let’s go change the baby’s diaper,” forgetting that's what I usually say to you.  You didn’t see me pick up the baby and you ran into your room.  When you got to the changing table, you put your arms up for me to pick you up just in time to see me lay the baby down on YOUR changing table…it broke your heart!  You laid on the ground and cried the biggest tears I had ever seen! I left Sutton on the changing table to comfort you, and he started crying.  I was so overwhelmed, that I started crying too! All 3 of us laid on the ground and cried.

Things have gotten a little better.  You still aren’t convinced that you want a brother ALL the time, but you like to bring the baby toys and books, and you love to help with diaper changes.  You like to pat his head, tickle his feet, and you have even given him a kiss or two…but it has to be your decision!  When the baby is crying, you get really concerned and look for his paci to bring to him.  You used to wake up in the morning and call for your dog, Lola, but now you stand up in your crib and call for “ba-bies”.   Daddy got to spend almost a month at home with us for Christmas break.  You quickly went from being a “momma’s boy” to a “daddy’s boy”.  You loved having your dad home!  You guys did something fun everyday while the baby and I stayed at home.  Daddy took you to Gymboree, the library, Barnes and Noble, the park and the museum.  It was a hard adjustment for you and me when your dad had to go back to work!

You make your dad and I laugh all the time right now!  We love this age!!  You are doing the silliest things and your gibberish is hilarious, although we are able to pick out more “real” words with each passing day.  Somehow a new word “clicks” every day and when daddy gets home from work you have a new word to say for him.  Yesterday it was “juice”, the day before that it was “trash”, and the day before that it was “purple”.  You not only say the word that day, but you remember it for good now.  After learning “trash”, any piece of paper you pick up, you show it to me and say, “trash”.  You can recognize every animal and you know what sound they make.  If you can’t say the name of the animal, you will make the sound.  For example, you can’t say monkey, but if you see a picture of a monkey you point and say “ah, ah, ah,” like a monkey.  We are amazed at how quickly you pick up on things and how much you learn daily.  Of course, we think you are a baby genius, and no one will convince us otherwise!

You are also incredibly bossy and particular.  You feel the need to tell everyone where they should sit, where things should go, and when things should happen.  If you think Lola should be drinking, you go over to her water bowl, point to it and yell “LOLA” over and over until she takes a drink.  It looks like you got your bossiness and OCD tendencies from me.  Your dad always says you are really smart, very social, and you know exactly what you want and how to get it, which is great!  However, the three combined can be dangerous if not used the right way when you get older!   But for now, you are so sweet and you LOVE to help out.  Anytime you get sad, I just have to give you a job or ask you to get something for me and you get so excited.  We have discovered that your mind has to be working all the time or you get bored and start disobeying. 

I know this transition is really hard for you; it is hard for us too!  I’m sorry if you don’t understand why we can’t give you as much attention as you are used to getting, but someday you will understand, and you will realize that your dad and I gave you the gift of a sibling.  You and Sutton are so blessed to have each other and someday you will thank God for this Christmas gift because long after your dad and I are gone, you will have Sutton Carter.

When your reality is better than your dreams...

As I was playing with you tonight, chasing you around the room as you ran away squealing-looking back, just wanting me to catch you so I could pin you down and tickle you, and kiss your neck… I couldn’t help but soak it all in and was overwhelmed with the moment, with your smile, with your laugh-that belly laugh really is the best sound I have ever heard!  I had a strange feeling like I was watching a movie; it was strange because I felt like the moment wasn’t real.  It really caught me off guard because I felt like the whole experience was a dream.  Was I really tickling and  kissing my son, the one I waited for, the one I prayed for, the one I thought would never exist??  And then you were here and you changed my life and you taught me how to really love.  In the beginning, I would spend my whole day holding you and drinking in your smell, and kissing your chubby cheeks. And now, all of a sudden, you are running around, and playing, and talking, and loving me back and tonight it was too much!  God prompted me to stop and watch the moment like I wasn’t living it, but instead, to burn that memory in my mind, my soul.  I will forever be able to close my eyes and watch that moment replay like a movie. 

It is sad how quickly children grow up, and how easy it is to be so busy with life that you forget to stop and appreciate the simple moments.  I pray that I will never be too busy to enjoy the simple moments.  Thank you, baby, for giving me so many special memories.  I can’t get enough of your laugh and your sweet smile.  I love you more than you will ever know.

My baby is 1!!!

Just so you know, the first year of your life, has been the best year of mine.  This past year has been perfect in every way.  I cried after your first birthday party because I couldn't believe a year had already gone by.  How quickly you went from our little squishy baby who always wanted to be held, to feeding yourself, and walking, and now- never wanting to be held! 

I told your dad that I just want to go back and do this year all over again.  Even though we are about to do just that with your baby brother, who will be here in 3 short months,  I really want a do-over of your first year-  not because I have any regrets, but because it REALLY was the best year of my life.  Your dad and I spent as much time with you as possible and we treasured every moment.  Until your first day of Mother's Day Out this week, 3 and 1/2 hours was the longest I had been away from you.  Because we had waited so long for you, we really wanted to make every moment count!!   

You make us smile everyday. Even when we've had a "rough" day and we put you in bed only to have enough energy to fall in bed ourselves, we lie there shaking our heads and laughing about the funny things you did that day.  I know most parents think their baby is pretty great, but we really think we have the world's best baby!!  We are amazed at your sweet spirit, outgoing personality, enthusiasm for life, your infectious smile, and those EYES!!!!  We ask ourselves almost daily, "What did we do to deserve to be so blessed?"  And the answer is, nothing.  You are exactly what your dad and I needed to remind us of things that we had forgotten.  What a pleasure it has been to be your momma this year.  I am a better person because of you. 

Right now...

• You are walking everywhere and getting into everything.  You no longer crawl!
• Your books are still your favorite toys, and you LOVE going to the library.
• Even though you love books, you are showing that you might be a little athlete.  You are obsessed with any ball, and love to play your version of soccer, football, golf, basketball, and baseball (which means you walk around the house hitting everything with your bat...even poor Lola!)
• You talk all day long and get really frustrated if I don't answer you back when you speak your own language.  You can say "bite" "dog" "ball" "please" and many other words.
• When we ask you a question, your put your arms out, shrug your shoulders and make the noise like "I don't know."  It's adorable.
• You know what you want and have become very demanding when you don't get it fast enough, which has also shown us your quick temper!  You have mastered using your cheesy smile to get me to give you what you want.
• You prefer us to clap and cheer every time you do something that you think is significant...which is everything.  :)
• You still sleep great at night, but still hate to take naps.
• You have discovered a whole new world of foods, but would like to eat only piles of blueberries and strawberries at every meal.  You hate meat.
• You are happiest around people, especially other kids.
• You have the most contagious laugh.  And you laugh all the time.  When you laugh, we can't help but laugh with you.
• You went to your first day of mother's day out this week.  There were no tears on your end.  You couldn't get out of my arms fast enough to get down and play with the other kids.  You had a blast and weren't ready to leave when I came to pick you up.  You talked all the way home (telling me about your day at school, I guess).
• You always want to be outside, but we haven't been able to go outside much because it has been so hot.

Here is a glimpse of how you have changed in 12 short months...but if you could stop growing now, I'd really appreciate it!

Month 1

Month 2: missing because you were in the hospital with RSV, and we forgot to take your 2 month picture!

Month 3

Month 4

Month 5



Month 6

Month 7

Month 8

Month 9

Month 10

Month 11

Month 12

The best $10 we ever spent!

So it's been awhile since the last post because right after the last post, your dad and I learned that you are going to be a big brother at the end of November!  Because of that news, I haven't had a lot of extra energy to type.  Also, you are crawling EVERYWHERE now so I don't have any extra time unless you are napping.  The funny thing is, you don't really like to nap!  You take 2, now 1- 45 minute nap a day (if I'm lucky)...that's it!  Good thing you sleep for 12 hours at night!  Even though you are getting into everything, I love this new phase-it's so fun!  I love to watch you learn and explore.  I love to see your face light up when you discover something new.  And I love to watch how proud you get of yourself when you master a new skill.  Here are a few updates about your life right now...

• You are 10 1/2 months old, and I can't believe I am already beginning to plan your first birthday!!

                                                       

• You have 8 teeth!!  I love to see them when you smile your really big, cheesy smile!
• After you are done drinking your bottle, you sit up and throw it across the room, then get off my lap as fast as you can to go play.
• You have decided you don't want to be spoon-fed anymore, if I try to feed you with a spoon, you knock it out of my hand.  I guess you're independent now?  So I have to chop your food into tiny bites, most of which end up on the floor.  This has become a battle of the wills for you and I...you think it is your job to make sure Lola and Jude get fed.  I will tell you no, or spank your hand...so you grunt at me, look me dead in the eyes with a handful of food, hold it over the side of the high chair and drop it.  We do this routine over and over, 3 meals a day.  Just remember-I am more stubborn than you; you will not win!! :)
• You love being on your feet and you are so close to walking.  Sometimes you will stand up all by yourself without holding on to anything, but then you sit down.  
• Your babble is starting to sound more and more like real words.  I love to hear you read your books.
• You went to Myrtle Beach at the beginning of May.  You got to meet your cousins for the first time and you had a blast!  That's when you really started crawling because you wanted to keep up with the big kids.  You loved the pool and the ocean, and you ate your weight in sand!

                                

• You are crawling everywhere; I can't take my eyes off of you for one second.  You even took a tumble down the stairs, which really scared me.  As soon as I put you down though, you went right back over to the stairs because you wanted to ride that ride again!  
• You love to run around in your walker while I am cooking.  You chase Lola and squeal with excitement.  You think it's really funny when you run over my heels or toes.
• You are still in the 95% for height, and 75% for weight and your 18 to 24 months clothes are getting a little snug!

                                        

• You are ALL boy, but you are really sweet too.  You give the best open mouth kisses that melt my heart. 

                            

• You LOVE your daddy, and you get so excited when he comes home from work...I can't pry you away from him until it's time to feed you and put you to bed at night.  But when you are tired, hungry, or sad, you only want mama. 
• You love to go to Papa's farm and play with the baby chicks.

                                          

• You are still very social, and you love to talk to people where ever we go. 
• I taught you "Touchdown Cowboys"  Whenever I say it, you throw your arms up in the air.  It's adorable, and you know it!

                                                 

• We bought you a $10 baby pool, and it was the best $10 we have ever spent!  I guess you really are a "Rowan," you love to be in the water.

                          

You were more interested in the leaves than your toys.

Look at that sweet face!!

• You bring so much joy and laughter to our lives; it's hard to remember life before you...were we even alive?



Boy's Best Friend

Lola and Jude were our babies before we had you.  They were very spoiled; they didn't know they were dogs.  People warned us that our "dogs" would become "dogs" after you arrived.  I didn't believe those people, I couldn't imagine that I would love them any less than I did.  After all, Lola had been ours for 6 years and Jude for 5; they were members of our family and had somewhat satisfied my maternal instinct while I was waiting for you.  But I will admit that I did eat my words, because after you were born, the dogs took a backseat and became "dogs".  Your dad and I still love them, we just didn't have enough energy to give them the same amount of attention as we did before you were born.  Now that you are older, we have more time and energy to give to Lola and Jude and we go on almost nightly family walks when it's warm enough.  Nonetheless, it's a good thing Lola has you to show her attention and unconditional love...you have been infatuated with Lola from day one. 

We have so many pictures like this one where you can barely see Lola in the background watching/supervising you.

You are only 6 weeks old here.  Please excuse me while I cry for a second!

 

We have a video your dad filmed maybe the 2nd day we were home from the hospital.  He got up before we did, and came in the room early in the morning to film us sleeping.  Lola came in with him, and as he was filming you in your bouncy seat, she stayed right beside you-sniffing you and almost protecting you.  When you cried, she would get really nervous and try to lick your face.  Now that you are more alert and mobile, it's obvious that you guys are going to be best buds!

You talk to her all day, and smile at her, and laugh at her when she sneezes or stretches.  But you scream at her, in what can only be described as Chinese, when she leaves the room.  It breaks your heart.  When she doesn't come back you cry!  Lola's a good sport though...

she lets you climb on her,

and pull her hair,

And in exchange, she only wants to lick you on the face, which you now allow even though your dad and I try to prevent it, especially your dad.  But one day while he was at work, I put you in front of her and snapped some photos of your love fest!

"Oh, hello Lola!"

"That tickles, Lola!"

"What? We love each other!"

Something tells me the two of you are going to find ways to get into trouble once you start walking.  But Lola will love it because she will have someone to throw her the ball all day long!

"We didn't do it!"

You like Jude too, but he suffers from some sort of social anxiety disorder and only comes around when there is food involved or to bark at every little noise.  Although, the other day he was watching you play and you fell over; he jumped up and ran over to sniff you and make sure everything was okay.  After that, he was overwhelmed and went back to hiding under the bed!

Month 7...my new favorite

It’s not that I don’t want you to EVER grow up; logically I know that isn’t possible.  It’s just that I want you to stay exactly the way you are for like 6 more months.  I am loving you at 7 months.  Right now you are barely mobile.  Mobile enough by rolling that I have to keep an eye on you, but not so mobile that I have to watch your every move.  I’m not prepared for that yet; I still need to baby-proof the house! 

You smile constantly, at everyone, everywhere we go.  And you think everything that happens is hilarious.  Even if I look away and then look back at you really fast, you die laughing!  You are a little chatter box!  Your dad says you must get that from me.  You talk, well babble, all day and you don’t have an inside voice either (that also comes from me).

You love your toys right now and it’s so fun to watch your brain develop as you learn something new every day.  You love to take your toys apart to figure out how they work (you get that from your papa TT).  I bought you a xylophone and showed you how hit the keys to make music.  You stared at it for a second with big eyes and then grabbed the edge, leveraged it against your feet and flipped it over.  You touched the holes where the screws are and looked at your dad and I like “Can I get a Phillips screwdriver please?”  You won't ever hit the keys, and if we try to take your arm and make you, you get really mad! 

Eating might be your favorite thing, but you’ve always been a good eater!  You eat solids twice a day and your favorites are: sweet potatoes, carrots, spaghetti squash and a puree of acorn squash and apples I make for you.  Oh, and you got your 2 bottom teeth this month!  That hasn’t been very fun.  They have broken skin, but they are still just little buds. 

You’ve learned how to give me kisses.  Some days you are too busy playing to give me a kiss, and you push me away.  Other days you want to give me lots of kisses and you are so lovey.  Those are my favorite days!  Recently I was rubbing your head while I was feeding you.  After a while, I moved my hand down to your belly and rested it there.  You reached down, picked up my hand, and put it on your head and made my hand move to rub your head again.  Now, it’s a necessity; without fail you take my hand and put it on your head every time I feed you.

You are developing more of a personality with each passing day, and you love to try to make your daddy and I laugh by being silly.  Sometimes you do what we do, and look away and then look back at us really fast!  Of course we think your comedy routine is the funniest thing we have ever seen and then we tell each other that you are probably the smartest baby alive.  You are happiest when we are both spending time with you together, especially when we go on family walks and bring the dogs. 

At night before we put you to bed, we both hold you and sing “Amazing Grace”.  It's something we started the first week we brought you home from the hospital, now we have to do our bedtime ritual or you won't go to sleep.  While we sing, you smile and touch both of our faces and then try to share your paci with us.     

I know you have to grow up, and I know I will love your next phase too, maybe even more than this one, but I just want you to stay my squishy baby for a little bit longer.  However, I don’t think that is going to happen because this morning when I went to get you out of your crib, your face looked thinner and your body looked longer.  Sadly, your baby face is transforming into a toddler face-literally overnight.